I'm 34 years old and already feel the need to start over. Why? Its simple, I've done all the things we are programmed to do in life and still I don't feel like I really have ever listened to myself. I stayed in school, got good grades, made the honor roll and even won Senior Student President. Other than my few times in detention for the occasional gum chewing, and oh yah, my brief stint of state probation for a simple for sale sign prank, my high school record was spotless. You could even go to say goodie-to-shoes, if you dare! So, from there I did what I was expected to do. I did the college thing.
I attended my father's alma mater under the assumption that it would bring us closer. It didn't really, but that was ok. I continued to do what was expected of me. I got good grades, graduated with honors and a semester early. I rarely asked for money from my parents, as most typical college students do and worked 3 jobs at times to make ends me. Other than a few very drunken nights and my brief stint of school probation for a false acquisition of pulling a fire alarm when it was really a charge of curfew (yes, there is pattern here), my college record was spotless. I left school with over 45,000 of debt and a fancy piece of paper.
I found a job - on my own. In fact to this day, I have never gotten job based on who I knew. Its always been based on good interviewing skills and what I consider irresistible charisma. I took a few different jobs here and there and worked again 2 or 3 jobs if I had to in order to make ends meet. I fell in love , or what I thought was love, and was heartbroken over and over again.
When it was all said and done and life seemed to be on a consistent repeat of heartbreak and dead jobs, I boldly made the choice to uproot and with great hesitation, moved back home. I was sure to rediscover myself and perhaps find the path meant for me.
From there I did what again you would expect, but not because it was expected of me, but because I was ready and this time it was right. I got married to someone who loved me for me and together we created two of the most beautiful creatures you could imagine, and then to find out another one was on the way. I would be in love 3 times over. I was overwhelmed with so many different emotions: love, joy, fear, stress and guilt.
Love for obvious reason, being a mom was the only thing I really felt like was an accomplishment. Besides all the other normal parenting issues, being a mom was the only thing I looked forward to in the morning and couldn't wait to get back to at night. It was the only thing I felt I did right. I loved raising my children and to think I got to do it again and see another beautiful face, I was in love from the first moment.
Joy because I am fortunate enough to have what some poople can't have and I got it 3 times. Joy because at the moment my husband and I were in mutual decision to hold off having another when this one came along and that made me feel like it was God's work saying, I didn't need to wait, that this baby was supposed to be mine at this moment in time.
Fear and stress! OMG , where am I going to put this kid??? We were short on space and maxed out on toys. Stress - will I make enough money, can we do this???
Guilt because I had the thought of Now What??
I had 1/2 of everything I was looking for in life. I had love and my own family, but what about that 45,000 debt that was supposed to mean I was meant to fly??? Well, I was certainly some sort of insect in my professional career. Either a working ant that did everything for the grasshopper or a caterpillar when everytime I thought I was shutting up my cocoon for real because things were progressing and then bam.......I'm squished. Another repeat pattern. I wanted to be the career successful mom that did it all. Where I was in life didn't make me feel like I reached my goals.
So, a 34 I'm going to be a mom again and somehow in between all of this, starting over. The real question is, how do you get to the starting line when you don't even know where the race is at?
